I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
