If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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