Moan for me like Helen Keller
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
