apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
