im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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