If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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