Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
