i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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