I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
