I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
