I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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