I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
