omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
