It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
