Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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