I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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