i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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