i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize