U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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