guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
