It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Someone shattered a urinal.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
