Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
