I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
