Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Randomize
