I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
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