I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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