Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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