Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
How's work?
Spinning.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
