walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
