I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
