Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
3pm strippers are depressing
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
