I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
