just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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