I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
