I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
