Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
