last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
