And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
