My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
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