fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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