I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
