I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
