party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
