He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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