I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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