So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
