It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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