I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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