david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
