i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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