anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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