She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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