Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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