Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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