this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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