Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
