Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
people are starting to question the shark bite story
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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