hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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